For those of us who are still single, there might be that feeling in the pit of our stomachs, that feeling of loneliness when we see couples out and about. Our jealously and bitter feelings from all the commercials and advertisements emanates from our every pore. Media sensationalizes it all with shows about how a happy couple has made it through a rough patch, how being single is the worst thing on earth, or both.
One thing I’ve realized through the past few years, though, is that being single is certainly NOT the worst thing on earth. If you let it, it can give you insight and perspective that you wouldn’t otherwise gain. Life’s lessons teach you, and - hopefully - you learn to love yourself more.
I don’t want to talk about self-love this go-round, though. This year, I want to talk about loving someone else: romantic, passionate, emotional, earth-shaking, SWV-weak-in-the-knees love. For those of you who already have it, great. This message goes out to all my fellow single people who are desiring it…who yearn for it in spite of what we may say.
A year ago I would have told you that love was all but a myth to me. I sincerely believed that the color of skin, where I lived, and my broadened sexuality meant that I would never be able to find love. Yes, all of social aspects do play a part in me finding romance, but I have never been one to let statistics determine my life. After some introspection I’ve grown past the pain of love-lost, and have now come to a place of peace and contentment. In this is the first step in finding romantic love: peace within. If our spirits are unsettled - if we are still struggling with jealousy, disappointment, or maybe even hatred - we shouldn’t even begin to try looking for someone else to invite to our pity-party. Granted, I’ve seen many relationships begin like this, but it’s always a “hot mess.” True, relationships have their rough patches, but we shouldn’t be struggling to love ourselves, and dealing with all the issues that come from NOT gaining self-love and contentment, when we enter into a bond with another person.
You must also believe that you are worthy of love in your life. We, as single people, tend to feel that we are not worthy to be happy with someone. We look at every negative thing about ourselves, and we dwell on that, especially if we’ve just ended a relationship, or - in my case - haven’t been in a relationship in a double-digit number of years. We ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?” Then there are the people that mean well: “You’re so *insert positive adjective here*. I can’t believe that you’re still single!” Then there is the case of falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you (which really, really sucks, by the way). It seems like the Universe is against our efforts to be happy with another, but I have come to find that we create this atmosphere ourselves. We speak loneliness into the Universe, and what we get back is exactly that. We cry, we whine, we literally bath in sadness: how is any of that conducive for romantic love to enter into our lives? It’s like you walking up to the door of someone’s house, and they answer the door in their bathrobe, and their house is mess. You’ll obviously feel pretty damn awkward since they most assuredly weren’t ready for you to come by. That’s the same way love feels. Like my grandmother used to say about Jesus’ second coming, “Get your house in order.”
Related to the above, SPEAK LOVE INTO YOUR LIFE! It’s like texting your best friends to come over and gossip. Let Love be what you communicate with on a daily basis. Surround yourself in it, and become intimate with it. Learn to know what it feels like. The more you invite Love in, the more familiar you will become with it, and others will sense it all around you. This will certainly leave the front door open for one of Love’s best friends - Romance - to come in as well. Don’t be afraid to leave the door open in fear that someone will kidnap Love away from you. Love fights, and can stand on its own. One of my spiritual mentors, Jordan Bach, posted this daily confession. It’s how I invite Love and Romance to sit and “gossip” with me every day:
“I know that the Universe is sending me the right romance.
May my eyes clear and my heart soften, so that I might
be able to recognize and receive the miracle when it is given me.”
So, we’re communicating with love, and we have all this peace, and we’re dancing among the flowers like in those herpes medication commercials. What now? Stop talking shit about other people’s relationships. There, I said it as frankly as I could. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I am probably more guilty of this than ANY of you, I can guarantee you that. Let me tell you what I’ve learned from this, though: you invite so much negative energy into your life by doing this, that Love is sure to not only NOT come in for a visit, but will run in the other direction. Romance will see love running, and - just like black folks who see anybody running in the other direction - run right along with it. No one cares what you think about anyone else, anyhow, so stop being a bitter bitch, and get over yourself. Yes, this is tough, but if they didn’t ask your opinion, you don’t need to give it. Trust me when I say that this takes work, and constantly reminding yourself. That devil on your shoulder will tempt you, and you will see those “hot mess” relationships I talked about earlier, and feel the need to say something. Do yourself, and everyone around you a favor, and keep your mouth shut.
Have I found my true romance yet? Honestly, no. I haven’t even been on a date in over three years! Haha! The difference now, though, is that I BELIEVE in romance and love now. Before I was so caught up in my own bitterness that I couldn’t fathom it. By inviting Love in, my heart changed.
I hope that this has inspired you in some way, and that the little bit of “tough love” I gave earlier resonated with you (as it did me when I realized how much of a culprit I was). Surround yourself with positive people, and speak positive things. Wait and see how your world view on romance and love will change. Eventually, Love and Romance will come for a visit, then ask to be your life-long roommates.
#workhardplayhard I just finished teaching a kick-ass #Pilates-#Yoga fusion class at the end of a 15-hour day. I love management, but it’s when I get in front of a class, or train someone, that I feel alive. The will to #inspire and #help is so strong. This is my life…my love…my passion. #fitness (at Suncadia Swim and Fitness)